


Stand a Little Closer

by HowlingHooves



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Destroy Ending, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Inspired by Music, Love Found, Love Lost - Freeform, Paragon Shepard, Realizations, Selfless Paragon, brief mentions of sex, love found again, spanning the trilogy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 07:31:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14100435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HowlingHooves/pseuds/HowlingHooves
Summary: "When it feels like a lion's denStand a little closerStand a little closer friend."Iko, Find a PlaceFrom the beginning she had liked him, and then loved him. And in the end, she loved him enough to save him.Even with the weight of knowing she wouldn't be there with him. Especially with that weight.





	Stand a Little Closer

There were two instances in her life when she regretted ever saying goodbye, even if she had hoped beyond hope that it would only be temporary.

The first time had been when Garrus had asked to remain aboard the _Normandy_ after the ceremony honoring the fallen, pinning her with a medal, as well as officially announcing her commencement as a Spectre. She had wanted to say yes, the gods and spirits and every deity known and unknown could likely see how much her heart wanted to say yes. To keep the relieving banter going while ground side, to have such a good and easy friend to unwind with on sleepless nights…

But he had a dream, too. And Shepard would not stand in anyone’s way of obtaining their dreams and wishes. Even if it hurt more than she would ever dare let others know. Shepard would not impede Garrus in what he really wanted.

“It’s just a few months, hopefully, Garrus. And by the time I get back you _will_ be a Spectre trainee and I _will_ commandeer your ass for evaluation. And after that, you can go on your merry way, and I’ll go on mine.”

“So we can take over the galaxy one system at a time, meet in the middle?”

“Oh nothing so dramatic, Garrus. I’m not _that_ ambitious.” She told him with a sly grin. “But now that you mention it…”

“Well, consider it a deal then. The commandeering me for evaluation. Not too sure on the systemic overthrowing of galactic civilization, considering who we’re really up against.” His mandibles had gently fluttered as they gave each other a long look, and then Shepard had stepped forward, arms wrapping around him before he settled his arms hesitantly around her smaller frame, patting her shoulder awkwardly.

“Thank you, Garrus. I couldn’t have done this without you. If I get a chance and come close to a buoy I’ll check in.” She told him as she pulled back, smiling at him with eyebrows raised.

“And by checking in, I’m assuming you’ll be wanting to know if I made it into the training program.”

“Yahtzee, Vakarian. But really, take care of yourself. You’ll always have a place on my ship, wherever I am. Remember that.” She told him, voice quieter in the seriousness of the moment. She gave him a small smile as his mandibles flared in surprise.

But he recovered quickly enough, smiling in his own way as he nodded, hand reaching out. He took hold of her forearm as she gave hers, squeezing tightly with his hand. “Thank you, Shepard. I’ll get in, I swear it. And I’ll do things right this time.”

But that memory had been before she had died. Before the galaxy had taken her away with things she had left unsaid and her heart aching with the thought of leaving her friends to the mercy of whatever their lives threw at them. Shepard had died before she could ever hope to fulfill her promise to Garrus and she didn’t know which hurt worse at the time; that she would be breaking his heart and her own by proxy, or that she was suffocating even as she struggled to contain the leak in her suit.

Her last conscious thought had been a morose apology to whoever was listening to her thoughts.

But she had woken, time unknown and things both old and new throw in her face. Knowledge came and went, she was a flurry of movement for days on end, weeks flying by as she gathered a team for a monster hidden behind the aid she so desperately needed to stop the Reapers. She had been told to head to Omega, and she did.

She met a nice enough Salarian, Mordin Solus, and found he was as enjoyable to be around as he was confusing. She hadn’t thought anything of dealing with the mercenary being hunted by other mercenaries, instead choosing to at least handle the deal her benefactor, if Cerberus could ever really be such a thing, had set up with Zaeed Massani.

That was a man she respected, at least. And after dealing with the flames and explosive rage of the old merc upon learning his quarry had escaped, she headed back to Omega tiredly. Made a stop at a prison ship on the way, picked up someone as crazy as she had ever met. Stopped on Korlus and took a Krogan with her; opened the tank he was in, didn’t regret how close to death she had been when he had charged her full force and pinned her to the wall.

And when they were back on Omega, after Aria had told her that Archangel was nearing the end of whatever demise he had been holding off, she had finally gone to retrieve him. Zaeed was a mercenary and he wasn’t so bad, Shepard had guessed. It wouldn’t hurt to recruit another, if he was even half as good as Zaeed.

But storming through the mercs, with Zaeed and Grunt in tow, Shepard had not expected the face behind the helmet. Garrus Vakarian had been so far from her mind, after the Illusive Man had claimed no knowledge of him; she hadn’t put it past him to withhold information but.. Shepard believed that much of him, when she had inquired about her old team.

And then he had gone and gotten blown up, nearly bled out on the floor of the damned graveyard he had used as a base long before. Mordin had come down with the shuttle, had stabilized him during the trip back to where Dr. Chakwas waited, had helped the good woman and been joined by Miranda even. Shepard had never been so relieved when he had come down after Jacob and looked beat to hell but _alive_.

They fell in together as best as they were able, both having so much on their minds. But after Shepard had stood in his way with Sidonis right in front of her, had blocked the shot that locked him into a vicious cycle of rage and misery, something shifted between them. Anger clouded things for a few days, and she had given him space that she didn’t need to be asked for. But he had changed when she went to see him, was more open, was _happy_ she could dare say.

And one proposition later, Shepard and Garrus had planned to get together in the near future. She didn’t know what had prompted her to even think it, aside from his little tale, but he hadn’t thought any less of her, of the idea even. Her heart fluttered in her chest as she thought about it that same night, and the hope that bloomed replaced much of the anxiety she had been feeling.

Then things had ended. As they always did, and too soon for her. Too soon for him. The events of her solo mission for Hackett sealed her fate, and that night she had cried in front of Garrus for the first time. She had apologized for having to leave him, _again_ she had said and he had countered _when was the first time?_

“On the Citadel. I promised you a place with my ship and crew, with _me_ , and then the Collectors came and blew that up!”

“That wasn’t your fault. And this isn’t either.” He had told her, his voice gentle but firm. “You were faced with impossible choices and you made the most of it, no one can fault you for what happened. It was the Batarians or it was the galaxy, Shepard. If anyone is to blame, it’s the Reapers. _Again_.”

That night had been slower for them both, a lingering goodbye with the unnamed feelings for each other between them. And when she had dropped everyone off at their chosen port, Shepard felt emptier than the ship she was turning over to the Alliance.

Again things blurred together for her, time and longing and business and trying to _make_ others believe her word about the Reapers. She had little contact other than her guards, usually a LT James Vega, or Anderson. Hackett stopped by twice, but ultimately Shepard knew he had gone back to Arcturus.

When the Reapers came, when they descended from the sky like the harbingers they were, Shepard could only hope that Garrus was safe. That he and his people were not hit as Earth was despite the cold dread in her gut telling her otherwise. Anderson had bolstered her forward, elected to stay behind for the resistance, ordered her to come back with all the help she could muster from the galaxy.

And suddenly she was on the Citadel, hearing things she didn’t want to hear but swallowing them down; off to Palaven, begrudgingly, to find the Primarch for a peace summit, of all things. Fighting off monsters to get to where she needed to go, lending aid to the standing Turian troops on Menae. Shepard felt a bit of herself again with Liara and James at her back.

But during a lull, when she found the man her heart cried for each hour, she nearly burst into tears of relief when Garrus told her that they’d get just the man she needed. The fighting wasn’t as bad anymore, and she put more than she realized she _hadn’t been_ into fighting the Reapers before they were finally _Normandy_ -bound once more.

Things fell into place quickly, with Primarch Victus worrying over his people as much as she in the war room. But when a break came in the feeds she found Garrus at his rightful place aboard the ship. He was talking to Victus, about her no less, and his words left a fond warmth settle in her limbs. When he finished, when he began stumbling over words, Shepard could only kiss him.

And that kiss became more in an instant; intending to just be done with it, to let him know she had missed him dearly with a simple action. It turned into his arms tight around her, lifting her onto the console behind him, her clothes coming off and then his armor.. desperation and longing relieved, loneliness abating with sweat and moans.

And once back to their duties, with looks exchanged at each passing moment they had, Shepard couldn’t feel the weight of the galaxy like before.

But then people began dying. _Her_ people began dying. First it was Mordin, and the tears came alone, when she was scrubbing down in her shower. A frenzy of harsh movements as she scrubbed the grief from off her, skin red and as raw as her heart from the loss of the good Doctor. Thane was next, and she wept as soon as her feet hit the elevator, back to the door as it closed as quickly as it would. EDI asked then if she would like anyone to provide company, but she denied the AI.

Others came into the fold, and a break on the Citadel on Hacketts orders was just what she needed. Even with the subterfuge and the crazy clone of hers, it was a nice change of pace for a moment. Garrus had even said she was the love of his life, drunk as he was, and she couldn’t have been happier.

They were back at it all again, saving people and collecting allies. Closing rifts centuries old and gathering objects that would give the people of the galaxy a bit of hope, of belief they would survive somehow. She felt it too, until they went after Leviathan.

Until she _found_ Leviathan.

After one brief encounter with the being that created beings, Shepard had a moment of clear realization. It hurt, but for those around her, when it slammed into her like a cold bucket of water over her head.

She wasn’t meant to survive the war.

Seated at her desk, alone in her quarters, her hands shook as the datapad clattered onto the hard surface. She felt herself pale, could feel the blood rushing away from her extremities as a weight of tremendous sorrow descended upon her. Her friends would not see her grow old, she wouldn’t see Tali’s home on Rannoch, she wouldn’t see James make N7, or meet Garrus’ family.

She would leave Garrus again, for good.

The tears that fell were hot and stinging, as though daggers trailed down her face. And Garrus walked in on her hunched over her desk, weeping for the loss of her future at the end of everything.

He had been so worried in the following moments, but so tender when she had told him why she was crying after he dragged it out of her. And even then, she lied to him. Never had she lied to him before, but she couldn’t tell him… she couldn’t break him when she was still breathing, selfish as she was for it. So instead she told him that she had gotten word that a few marines she had entered the N program with had died, good friends, and it wasn’t completely false.

She played it up to being unable to sleep much, to Leviathan messing with her brain hours before. And her sweet, caring Garrus asked her for the truth. Had seen right through her attempt to divert him from what was really bothering her, but she couldn’t tell him. She told him as much, crying again as she rested her head against his armored chest. Begged him to let it go, that she would tell him when it was all over.

And he had relented, because he still saw a future with her, Shepard knew. He hadn’t come to the same realization that she had, not yet. Shepard swallowed it down, the horse pill that knowledge was; she wouldn’t tarnish the time they had left on his part. But she would make the most of what she could, she swore to herself.

And between missions and duties she did just that, showed Garrus that she cared so much for him, that she loved him so deeply. She told him that she wanted everything for him, she hoped to see him reunite with his family after everything, that he was so much more than he gave himself credit for, skill with a rifle aside.

When the push for London finally came, when the finality settled over her as James helped her carry Garrus up the _Normandy’s_ ramp, leg crushed beneath a rolling vehicle, Shepard could feel the end in her bones. And she smiled, kissing him briefly but no less passionately, she thanked him as she backed down the ramp, tears stinging her eyes.

“I will always love you, Garrus. You’ll never be alone.” She promised him, turning before her chin trembled and pulling from her almost empty well of courage, running toward the beam that the Reapers were attempting to protect with all they had. She heard him shout after her, could visualize him fighting James as the marine hauled him up the ramp to safety and medical treatment.

And as she made the final steps, armor burning into her until she felt nothing, Shepard smiled briefly as his words spurred her on. She would do this for him, for _his_ future.

When she was forced by a crazed, nonsensical AI, too weary to fight or argue, she again thought of Garrus. She thought of her entire team, of Anderson where he had fallen, of the galaxy as a whole… and she shot the damned glass, shot it with the last of her strength until the explosion overtook her, thrust her backwards.

As she felt the place rumbling, ready to fall, she hoped beyond hope that whatever true deities were out there, if they all could listen to her just that once and take care of the Turian she loved so very dearly. As she felt herself falling, her last thoughts were of how lucky it had been for her to find him, to know him. And she wouldn’t have given anything in the world to change it and risk altering how anything may have happened.

Before she could feel her lungs burning, gravity and oxygen rushing out with the explosion, Shepard closed her eyes to visions of him before there was nothing.

Nothing but a breath.

Nothing but a breath and blue eyes in her mind.


End file.
